#3 - Taking The Bus

Thanks for your continuing desire to do everything right. The little things are what add up to make a society, and this blog is about how to do them right. Today's topic is...

Taking The Bus

The Problem
The bus is a form of transportation which can take a person who is in one place, and magically morph that person into the same person, only in another place. However, there is apparently little information available on how to do this.

The Solution
Taking the bus is more complex than the previous entry, Walking, and entails a detailed process. However, at any point where these directions involve walking, you can consult that entry for further guidance.

1. Determine which bus you want to take.
Many people do this by attempting to board each bus and asking the driver if the bus goes to their destination. However, a more effective strategy is to research in advance which bus goes to your destination. For example, if you're going downtown, a good choice would be a bus that goes downtown.

2. Go to the bus stop and wait.
Determine which bus stop is nearest to you. Go there and wait for the bus. It is preferable but not required that you research what time the bus is coming, then start waiting five minutes in advance of that time. If your town has a subway, be sure not to wait at a subway stop unless you intend to take the subway rather than the bus.

3. When the bus you want to take arrives, get on the bus.
The key here is that if people are getting off the bus at the same stop, you should let them get off before you get on. That way, you can occupy the same space that those people used to occupy. Many bus riders are surprised to know that people might be getting off the bus at any bus stop. By keeping this in mind, you can be prepared for the possibility and avoid feelings of shock and surprise.

4. Pay the fare or show your bus pass.
If you have a bus pass, show it to the driver. Otherwise, pay the fare. It is preferable to carry your fare money in either a wallet or some other type of money satchel in order to decrease the time for this step to under five minutes.

5. Sit down.
Many people prefer to stand in the aisle in front of the door. However, if there is a seat available, you will find it more relaxing to sit down than to stand. This will free the area in front of the door to be used by people who are boarding the bus or getting off the bus.

6. Do not make out on the bus.
There are a lot of appropriate places to make out. A key sign that you are in one is that you are not on a bus.

7. Determine when you are near your destination.
You are near your destination when you see stuff that is one or two blocks from your destination. At this point...

8. Pull the stop cord if no one has pulled it.
Many bus riders pull the cord and then nervously look around wondering why nothing has happened. If the "Stop requested" sign is lit up in this situation, this typically means that someone has already pulled the cord and the bus driver already knows how to stop. Only pull the cord in the situation that no one else has pulled the cord.

9. Start walking towards the door.
You will be exiting the bus through the door. Since you are one or two blocks from your destination, you will be at the destination relatively soon. Thus, by walking toward the door, you will be near the door when it is time to get off.

10. Get off the bus at the appropriate stop.
Here's where it comes full circle. At the point when your bus is at the stop you determined in Part One is the stop near your destination, the driver will open the doors and you should get off the bus. An expression of thanks such as "Thanks" is appropriately stated to the driver on the way out.

#2 - Self Checkout

Thanks for your continuing desire to do everything right. The little things are what add up to make a society, and this blog is about how to do them right. Today's topic is...

Self Checkout

The Problem
For some time now, grocery stores have been replacing cashier jobs with automated checkout machines. Now, rather than an experienced and skilled cashier ringing up orders, we have orders being rung up by the general food-eating population. One thing that's true about people who eat food is that they don't do everything right.

My recent experience at a Pittsburgh area Giant Eagle is all too typical. I was attempting to purchase a dozen eggs and a package of crappy store brand cookies. There were two self checkout lines open and each one had a customer ringing up an order of roughly ten items. Zero people were in line when I got there so I was up next.

If you think I had paid for those cookies in under ten minutes you're wrong. On the left was a Romantic Couple Ringing Up Every Item Romantically. One thing about doing things romantically is that you are not doing them fast. On the right was a guy who decided his groceries would be best rung up by a two-year-old. One thing two-year-olds aren't good at is everything.

Another common problem, not encountered here, is the shopper who looks through all her groceries to find The. Perfect. Item. To. Ring. Up. Next. She's scanning items in alphabetical order. The Cyrillic alphabet.

The Solution
I have read the cashier training manual from a large Western New York-based supermarket chain, so let me paraphrase. It is just scan, scan, scan, scan, until all your items are scanned. Then you place them in a bag and go home.

You know what is romantic? Getting out of the goddamn store. And if you want to let your two-year-old learn manual dexterity, let him drive the fuck home. I want to buy my cookies.

#1 - Walking

Welcome to the site and thanks for your desire to do everything right.

The little things are what add up to make a society, and this blog is about how to do them right. Today's topic is...

Walking

The Problem
Modern humans have walked the earth for around 200,000 years. Never in that time have we been worse at it. Armies used to march hundreds of miles - now one member of our species can't march properly to the Dippin' Dots stand.

If you see one person walking down an empty street, he's almost always doing so correctly. But people in more crowded areas are prone to suddenly stopping - which is really goddamn annoying to the person behind them.

While the random stop always will remain the worst problem, people also may walk really slowly - oblivious to the bottleneck behind them - or they may veer wildly back and forth, even when their destination is directly in front of them. The latter behavior is only excusable while drunk.

All in all, the larger the number of people around, the worse each one is at walking. At a really big event like a baseball game, amusement park, etc., movement is virtually impossible as one quickly becomes surrounded by homo sapiens sapiens moving about - or not - in random fashion, blocking any conceivable path to hot dogs.

The Solution
We need to publicize that walking is quite simple. It is just step after step until you're there.

If you're walking five steps, it's step, step, step, step, step and then you're there. Most people are pretty clear on this.

What people don't realize is it never gets more complex. If you're walking a full mile, it is just step, step, step, step, 2000 times until you're there. It is natural to stop if stopping is necessary, say, to not get hit by a car. But in the situation where there's nothing in front of you, step, step, step away.

Update: Ten minutes after posting this, a large woman stopped dead in her tracks in front of me in a doorway to converse with someone, leaving some girl to awkwardly hold the door so Sudden Stopper wouldn't get hit with it.